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Post by Wakka on Mar 8, 2008 21:00:24 GMT -5
Letter to Bill gates
A Letter To Bill Gates
1 2 3 4 5 (9 votes) Contents - Funny Emails Saturday, 01 December 2007 Dear Mr Bill Gates
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.
8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect your money.
9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?
10. Hey what is this, I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad, but there is only one icon with 'MY Computer', what happened to the remaining?
11. There is not even single photo of mine in the 'MY Pictures'.. when u will keep my photo in that.
12. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME'
Thanking you,
Yours Banta Singh
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Post by Wakka on Mar 8, 2008 21:00:40 GMT -5
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it's an even trade.
Nothing
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'
Go Ahead
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (Neutral Expression)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
Thanks A Lot
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing
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Post by Wakka on Mar 8, 2008 21:01:19 GMT -5
learn catonese That's not right ....................... Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding See me ASAP.........................Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man ............................Dum Gai Small Horse ..........................Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table .....Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here ...............Wao So Dim I thought you were on a diet ..Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone ........No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week .....Wai Yu Kum Nao? Staying out of sight ..............Lei Ying Lo He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu Great ..........Fu Kin Su Pah How cool ... Sa Ba Ba Term of endearment................. Mai Dah Ling Are you also sad?................... Yu bu hu tu? Baby-talk......................... Ku Chee Ku Chee Ku Tu Yu Is that an owl I hear?.............. Hu Dat Hu-Ting Wing Ting? Give me some chocolate!..............Kan Dee Fo Mee Nao! and for the bi- and tri-lingual:
Are you a MOT? ..................Nu, yu ju tu? -- Who? Me?...................... Mee? Hu Mee?
-- I'm a MOT, he is not............. Ah Nee Ju Tu, Lo Hu.
You are going in the wrong direction............Wong Wei? And, just in time for Pesach:
Is it time for the Four Questions?...........Mah Nee Sha Tah Nah Nao?
newspaper headlines that will never happen
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strike Idles Kids Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
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Post by Wakka on Mar 8, 2008 21:01:43 GMT -5
Alpha Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." It is worth noting that "Release 1.0" can also be translated as "still doesn't work but rent was due".
Computer Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's more recent and a ferret on speed if it's a "performance model".
Default Directory Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. The default directory exists in part to ensure you lose some important files when you (or a virus) reformat your hard drive.
Error message Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered, often without breaking.
Help What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything... but now it's their fault and they should buy more RAM.
Input/Output Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. (like this one... emmm)
Memory Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert Users - People who break other people's computers
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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Post by Wakka on Mar 8, 2008 21:02:14 GMT -5
IE errors This page contains anti-Microsoft content The loading of the page has been stopped. Your attempt to access this page has been logged to www.microsoft.com. GAME OVER Insert quarter to browse the Internet. This page can not be loaded This page could not be loaded because the server is running a non-Microsoft operating system or web server. Please contact the server's administrator and have them upgrade to Microsoft Windows with Microsoft Internet Information Server. MSHTTP Error - 770 Brain not found No error occurred, but we detected that you have Netscape Navigator on your computer. It is just wasting hard drive space and it must be confusing having two different browsers that work differently, so you might want to take this opportunity to uninstall Netscape Navigator now. Integration error Microsoft's screwup is now in every application. DARES Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way". Walk sideways to the photocopier. While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..." Don't use any punctuation. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen. Three-Point Dares Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barreled fingers. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites. Five-Point Dares At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave". Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two". When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, d**n it, all of you just shut up!" At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness,I'll never go hungry again!" Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. Sign or p.p. all letters with your initials and a swastika. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight".
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Post by Wakka on Mar 8, 2008 21:02:40 GMT -5
rules for dating my daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
random computer stuff Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses ..... shouldn't be taken personally. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer -- but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to- remove Disk 1 first. A story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech:"Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller:"The cup holder on my PC is broken, and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech:"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech:"Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
And last but not least:
Tech Support:"O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager." Customer:"I don't have a P." Tech Support:"On your keyboard, Bob." Customer:"What do you mean?" Tech Support:"P on your keyboard, Bob." Customer:"I ain't gonna do that!"
stupid criminals Strike one! England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
"Hello? Guns for hire?" Arizona: A company called "Guns for Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Say cheese! A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
Drop everything and run! Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Just forget it Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
Ouch A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help . . .
Let's do a little math A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
I know I forgot something Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
You mean me? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
The Hefty-bag A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
rejected childrens books Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly! Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes! The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking You Are Different and That's Bad Dad's New Wife Michael POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games Curious George and the High Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Bi-Curious George Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Grandpa Went To Hell
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Post by Wakka on Mar 8, 2008 21:02:56 GMT -5
fun things to do at walmart
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through thin narrow aisles. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". Play with the automatic doors. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?" Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
bad mistakes for real ads and other stuff Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner special -- Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.00. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get and extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Vacation special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Sign in a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the lights goes out
Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Outside a farm: Horse manure 50p per Pre-packed bag 20p. Do it yourself
In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
On a church door: This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (this door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.) English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, Please wash your hands before eating
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Sign at photographer's studio: Out to lunch. If not back by five, out to dinner also. Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 Yrs.
Outside a disco: Smarts in the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome. Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council. Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order. Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near out petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is. Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in you car
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free. But the bull charges. Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - The bell doesn't work) Sign at Norfolk farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left. Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
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Post by Wakka on Mar 8, 2008 21:03:16 GMT -5
5 levels of drinking
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. Just as you get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends buys another round. One of your *unemployed* friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep...I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger...and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood, I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well...as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Simon!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" - and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say,"Who's Simon?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
you drink to much coffee when Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee." Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe." You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
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Post by Wakka on Mar 8, 2008 21:03:34 GMT -5
stuff u would never know with out movies The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
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Post by hcfwesker on Mar 12, 2008 1:41:04 GMT -5
OMG ROFL ;D ;D ;D
that stuff with the phrases, and the Asion names is priceless. everything so far is hilarious, keep it up. i was actually bored tonight and kinda getting ready for bed, but OMG I'm laughing so hard right now. Thanx for all the, bud.
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